Never Again
by CityLights0
Summary: I just can't lose her. I would die. But I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm gonna explode.
1. Stop and Erase

Alex's POV

It's been four weeks.

I haven't really told anyone but, I'm done. I'm done with pretending to be happy. I'm done with acting like nothing's wrong with me. I haven't told anyone, except Autumn, a tumblr friend. It's not even a confidence thing, it's basically everything else. Everything is so fucked up. I can't handle this. I need a break. I just need to leave for a while. That's why I'm packing.

I sat at my desk and pulled out some paper and a pen. I scanned all my thoughts as I finished the letter I left for Mitch.

_Mitch, I'm okay. Don't worry about me, I'll be back in a few days I'm staying in a hotel somewhere. I just need some time to sort things out. If there's a real emergency text me if not then just leave me alone. I just need some time by myself._

I took down my One direction poster and taped the letter to the wall then pinned the poster back up over the letter. That's the hiding place we used for letters in case of anything like this. I'm just going to some hotel uptown. I'm literally spending all my money on this. My parents won't worry, they probably won't even notice.

First, I'm gonna stop at the park and just relax for a while and calm my mind. Then I'm gonna head to the hotel and do something productive; write, sing, read, I don't know. I just need to get out. I looked at the clock, 9:02 am. I wish I could leave forever. I picked up my small duffle bag and climbed out the window onto the fire escape. I almost always go this way because it's so much faster. As soon as I got onto the street I quickened my pace.

The park is only 7 blocks away but I don't want to run into Mitchie. She lives on the other side of my building and hates being inside so basically every time I stepped out the door she was there. That's exactly what I don't need. I tried this before but she caught me, I had to make up some stupid lie that I was going to the gym. I probably looks like I was running away. I had a duffle bag, I was fast walking, and I'm looking around like I just killed someone in the corner.

"Oh shit," Mitchie appeared at the corner of the sidewalk. Luckily she was looking at her phone and I jumped like a cat behind a pile of garbage. She passed by and I noticed the head phones in her ears. As soon as she veered around the next corner I got up and let out a huge sigh. Why is she even up this early? She usually wakes up at 11 or later.

After 15 minutes of looking like I was running away from a crime scene, I finally got to the park. I let out a huge breathe "Thank god". Mitchie never really came to the park, at least she would tell me when so I don't really have anything to worry about. After strolling for a while I found the Great Lawn. It wasn't crowded at all, considering it's a Monday. I found a quiet spot by a tree, pulled out my blanket and spread it across the grass. I sat on the blanket and leaned against the tree.

I haven't had a moment to myself like this in forever. I tried to calm my thoughts. There were a million things bouncing around in my head. Basically my only problems were Mitchie and my family, but it's so much more then that. I think I like Mitchie, more than a friend. But, I don't really know, I never thought I was lesbian, what would my family think, what if she doesn't feel the same, what if I tell her and she never talks to me, but I don't see myself in a relationship with her. There's so many questions to that situation alone.

And my family. My grandpa was a cop, he passed away while he was on duty, I never got to meet him. And my other grandpa left my Dad's family when he was young. Now he has a whole new family and doesn't even want to meet me. My dad doesn't even care about me. He's an alcoholic, and he smokes weed. Him and my mom get into really bad fights sometimes. I love my mom but she doesn't really worry about where I am and how I'm doing. She can just get on my nerves too. And my grandma. I miss her so much. We don't have enough money to visit her in Canada.

It might not seem that bad but it is. I think I like my best friend. I have no caring family. And quite frankly I have no one to really talk to it about. I can't even tell Harper. She's close to Mitch too and I would rather just keep everything to myself. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. If I didn't like Mitchie more than a friend then would I be questioning it? It's not normal to think about this much. I shouldn't be questioning if I love my best friend.

I can connect with her like no one else. Our relationship is like something special that I don't have with anyone else. Even though we get into our fights, we still love each other. We're like more than best friends. We're like sisters. We hang out most of the time anyway. I don't wanna lose her though. That's the main reason why this is such a big problem. If I lost her I would probably die.

Sometimes I love her, but sometimes she annoys the hell out of me because I feel like she pushes me into the corner. I do the same thing though. We break each other then act like nothings wrong. I don't even know with her. I think I should just wait. This isn't something I can decide by sitting in the park. I just need to see what happens. I'm probably going to end up jumping off a bridge but I can't make decisions like this now.

There's nothing I can really do about my family either. I'm not gonna talk to my dad because the only time I can talk to him is either when he's in a bad mood, drink, high, or drunk and high. I can't even fucking believe I'm pushing my feelings to the side again. I can't keep doing this to myself. Every time I think about this my conclusion is just pushing everything to the side. I can't keep having break downs every night. I can't keep ignoring Mitch because of my feelings. I can't keep screaming into my pillow or throwing things around the room. I can't keep doing this to myself.

I have to do something. I'll leave if I have to. I'll do anything at this point.

It ends now.


	2. Now

Mitchie's POV

_"If there's a future we want it, nowowowowowowow"_

I sang the familiar paramore song I as climbed up the fire escape to Alex's window. This is really an easier way to get to her room so I always do this. It's not that I don't want to go inside, take the elevator, and walk in her front door, it's just that I'm way to lazy. I climbed into her window as soon as I saw the blood red curtains I've known for years. "Hmm." Where's Alex? She's never up out of bed this early especially since it's Spring Break. I looked around her room and I noticed ener jacket was gone. At this point I'm starting to worried, what happen to her? There's some where I'm suppose to look for a note in case of an emergency, in the closet? I let out a sign. I'm should have remembered this, I mean it's important enough.

I fell back on her bed. "Alex where are you?" Why am I worrying so much she is probably just out with Harper or something. I turned over on my side and faced the wall with numerous posters. "That's it!" I quickly hoped up and ran over to the One Direction poster. "Sorry boys." Wow that sounded a lot more crapier than I wanted it to. I rip the poster off the wall anxiously. "Thank god." I opened the letter and started reading.

_Mitch, I'm okay. Don't worry about me, I'll be back in a few days I'm staying in a hotel somewhere. I just need some time to sort things out. If there's a real emergency text me if not then just leave me alone. I just need some time by myself._

Shit, I really want to text her but it'll just piss her off and that's the last thing I need. I was kind of expecting something like this. She hasn't been herself lately, she's been so quiet. I've been so worried about her lately. It's written all over her face that somethings on her mind. Ugh, I just want to hug her and comfort her and let her cry and just _be with her. _I shove the note into my pocket and hurry out the fire escape. I can't help but feel like I could have done something. I'm her best friend. I should have said something as soon as I noticed she was acting weird. I'm so fucking stupid.

Now I'm started to speed up. I don't even know what direction I'm running in. I veer into an alley and lean against the wall. Oh no the tears are coming. I slowly slide down the brick wall and just cry. I don't even know how long I was there. I just cried and cried and cried. This is all my fucking fault. She probably spent so much money on that hotel room. I could have stopped her. She probably cried so much. I could have been there. She probably thought so much. I could have helped her. I continued to cry. Until I couldn't anymore.

This is all a mess.

I picked myself off the ground and stumbled back onto the street. After a block I realized where I was and started to walk like a person again, not a drunk. I checked the clock on my phone. In a matter of 10 minutes my mood went from 100 to 0. I felt a lot of feelings right now. Anger, sadness, embarrassment, I mean I'm walking around New York with makeup smeared all over my face and I'm getting for pretty damn weird looks. Most of all I feel guilty. This all could have changed of I just stepped up to the plate.

I'm such a bad friend.

Honestly, this kind of sucks in a different aspect too. My best friend isn't here to spend time with me for Spring Break. I'm kind of mad at Alex. She left me for one of the best times of the year. I can't help but be a little angry. I just need to calm down. A walk in the park would be great. I'm only a block away. I probably look like a clown right now. I'm still getting weird looks like I'm carrying a knife and have blood all over my shirt. It's actually kind of funny. As soon as I walk into the park I already know where to go. This place Alex showed me. It's on the shore of the lake. A little clearing that's perfect for picnicking. Me and her go there a lot.

I remember ever single direction to get there. Ok, just up this path then take the trail that's next to the 9th street lamp. It's kind of funny how you can become so close with someone and not even remember how you met. Me and Alex have no idea how we became friends. We knew each other since the early years of middle school then in 7th or 8th grade we just instantly because close in only a couple months. My thoughts keep drifting back to Alex in some way. I counted the 8th street lamp and continued to the next one. I smiled at the sight of the acquainted pathway. I started to make my way through the brush.

This is my favorite part because it makes me feel like I'm not in the city anymore. Like, I'm in forest somewhere away from all the noises, lights, cars, people, and commotion. The birds chirping start to soothe me right away. "Finally" I stepped over the huge log and look around the small clearing. It's kind of sandy like a beach. The lake looks so beautiful. I don't know why Alex thinks I don't like the park I come here all the time. One again she came into my thoughts. I let out a sigh and sit down. Time to let my thoughts take over.

_Chick, _I sit up immediately at the sound of someone stepping on a twig. Who is that? It sounded like someone is on the trail. Maybe it was a squrriel. What the hell am I talking about squerriels can't break sticks. The trail splits off in a bunch of different directions it could be anyone. Alex told me that no one comes back here though.

Wait.

Alex.


	3. I Got You

Alex's POV

*1 hour earlier*

Okay, so I'm not really gonna put an end to this. I'm just sick of this situation but at the same time I can't loose her. I can ignore my family problems as much as I want but what's going on with Mitchie is bigger than my family. It's not something I can just push away. I took and seat on a nearby bench and cleared my head. This is so fucking retarded. I obviously like Mitchie more than a friend or I wouldn't even be here right now. I'm not gonna keep pushing this to the side but at the same time I'm not gonna tell her. There's my solution. I'm acknowledging the fact that I love Mitchie, but I'm just not telling her. That's been the problem the whole time, not my feelings but the confusion. I mean of course my feelings are a problem but the confusion has been more of a pain in the ass. I don't even know if I'm lesbian.

I really just can't tell Mitchie. She will never talk to me, or worse leave. I can't deal with that. I would kill myself. Right now I have breaking points and that's one of them. I can like Mitchie but I just can't tell her or anyone, but maybe I should tell Autumn it would help to get someone else's opinion and I honestly think that's exactly what I need. She knows about the family problems and how I fake being happy just not this whole thing.

I pulled out my phone and checked the time, 1:30. I only have to go to one more place. That small clearing that overlooks the lake, I've been going there for years and I showed Mitchie just last year.

Before I go I really should talk to Autumn. I started to text Autumn.

_Hey are you there? I really need to talk to you,_

Autumn and I have been friends for a while now. We meet on tumblr then we just became so close that we exchanged phone numbers and we often send each other gifts for Christmas and our birthdays. She knows everything about me and I know everything about her. I consider her a best friend. She lives in Canada, if she lived here we would be 10 times as closer. Mitch gets really jealous of her but she never says anything. Once we were having a sleepover and I was non stop texting Autumn because she was going through something and Mitchie basically yelled at me to put my phone down. Whenever I start to talk about Autumn Mitchie changes the subject. Mitchie hardly knows anything about her now.

_I'm here, what's up?_

Thats the first time I ever told anyone. I literally told her everything in the longest message I ever typed which took at least 10 minutes. Hopefully she doesn't turn her back on me. Now I'm starting to have anxiety. Maybe I told her too much. I even told her about my decision today. After a couple minutes I finally got a long message in reply.

_Alex before I even say anything just know that this doesn't change the way I ever thought about you. I would never leave you in the dust because of something like this. You can always talk to me about ANYTHING. Ok, first what you decided today is completely right. I would come decide the same thing if I were you. Don't tell her for now, it wouldn't turn out good. I'm not saying that the worst of what you think would happen just that usually if someone got news that if their best friend loves them maybe they wouldn't take it so good at first. Let me just tell you one thing. She will find out, one day you will tell her Alex. The heart wants what it wants, (I know I sound corny) one day your gonna and break and tell her. I don't know or how but it will and just be prepared for it. Today you made progress and I think everything you said is gonna help you. My advice probably sucks but it's true. Just talking to me is gonna help you out._

It's so nice to know I have her. A friend that will never judge me based on my opinion of certain things. It really is comforting to know I have someone there for me not vent to no matter what it's about. That's the only thing I don't really have with Mitch which kind of sucks.

_Thank you so much you no idea how helps this helps! Lol_

_No problem, trust me I do. ;) _

_Thanks again, I will text you later okay. I still have a lot to talk to you about_

_Alrighty I'll be here ttyl_

*1 hour earlier*

I pushed all the branches out of the path as I made my way towards the clearing. What the fuck, someone's over there. Who the hell would come here. Wait. "Mitchie?" Just as I stepped over the log I spotted her looking up, makeup smeared all over her face. Her expression weakened and she looked at the ground. "Hi, Alex." Her voice was a bit shaky. Obviously she had been crying. Was it because of me? Because I left? I started debating weather to sit next to her or leave. Why the hell would I leave.

I sat next to her and looked out over the lake. "Mitch, is this because of me?" I was really curious now. She looked back over to me, tears swelling up in her eyes.

"Alex, was you leaving because I wasn't there for you?"

"Of course not, I know your always there for me Mitch I just need some air, to get away from my family." That sounded like a lie

She scanned my face before talking this time. "Why didn't you just come over then?"

Shit, this is gonna be a hard one to get out of. "I don't know, I just wanted to be alone so I could think about everything."

"You left me on one of the funniest times of the year. Alex I can't help but a little mad."

Now I felt bad. She's right I really shouldn't have left her and now what the fuck am I going to do? "Mitchie, I'm really sorry. I should have never left in the first place. Your right. You have every reason to be mad at me."

"But I'm not."

"What?"

"Well at least not anymore because you apologized." A light smile spread across her face but then she got serious again.

"Alex do you need to talk about anything? Seriously."

"No, not anymore. That's the exact opposite of what I wanna do." I wasn't lying that time. I don't really have to talk about anything anymore. And I don't. I really hate when I have to keep talking about my feelings.

She gave me a smile and looked over the lake again. After a bit of silence she asked the question which I knew was coming. "Are you still going?"

"Of course."

She looked down. Disappointment written all over her face.

"But your coming with me!" I basically shouted that and gave her a huge hug. I pulled back to look at her expression. She sat there with her mouth wide open. "Well?" She started asking a bunch of questions at a mile a minute. "Where, when, how long, can I go get stuff?"

"Shh!"

I got up and offered her my hand. "Come on, I will answer all your questions." She took and my and I pulled her up. "For 4 nights, the Wetsern on the Upper East Side, and yes let's go get your stuff clean of your face."

I gave her another huge hug. "You ready?"

She nodded "Let's go!"

I wasn't expecting this earlier today. Is a day really all it takes to come to a conclusion with the way I feel. Now I'm starting to doubt going to the hotel _with Mitchie._ Maybe I need more time to figure things out. Maybe if things went the way I originally planned (going to the hotel by myself) I would have changed my mind about something. That's really one of the only things I hate about myself. I'm so damn indecisive.


End file.
